Standards

I don't really hold alot of standards for men, that only seem to disappoint. No it's harder then meeting a few standards to get me.

I'm not one for looks. I like when a guy is a nice dresser, of course. But I'm not going to turn someone down just because of the color of their hair, skin, or eyes.

I'm not one for material things. I like getting gifts now and then, who doesn't? But I won't turn someone down just because they don't have a sports car or a flat screen tv.

I'm not one for money. Of course I wouldn't want to be homeless, but I would never turn someone down just because they don't make as much money as a doctor or lawyer.

There are only a few things that I look for in a man.
The Catholic Faith first and foremost.
A good personality secondly, I like someone who can make me laugh, but also comfort me when I'm down.
But that's it, that's all I look for. I'm open to everything else they could offer.

But remember how I said that it was harder then the standards to win me? I look for an instant connection, not necessarily love at first sight, but a connection that forms when we first say hello. Something that draws me to the person, that makes me what to know them more. That's what I look for, and that is why it is so hard to get me. A connection like that doesn't happen everyday.

So good luck to one and all

Rose

Dreams...

You all know the old Disney song, "A dream is a wish your heart makes..." Well if that's true, I'm kinda of liking these wishes! The last two mornings I've woke up with a smile on my face! Normally I don't dream, or if I do I'm in such a deep sleep I don't even remember it. But I remembered these dreams and I liked them. They were nice and refreshing, alot better then the nightmares I'm used to. haha :P

But at the same time, if those are really some wishes my sub-conscious is making, I'm going to have to give myself a talking to, not to change them, but maybe to gather up enough courage to make those dreams a reality..
At the moment, my sub-conscious can keep dreaming cause I'm a big chicken! haha! I'm very scared of risking something special to try to win something even more special. Does that make any sense??? I suppose not since I'm being very vague, but I like being like that. Then people can't guess...except for my brother...he guessed already. How he got it on the first try I'll never know...I guess he knows me too well.

The fact is as independent as I try to be, I don't want to make the first move. If they're interested they'll come to me, that's my motto. I do try to drop subtle hints here and there, but, uh, I fail at that. My cousin nearly died when I told her that one! haha!

To be honest, when it comes to the world of guys, I'm horrible. Totally clueless and simply like a traveler without a map...

Ah well, back to the world of books where "dreams do come true"

Rose

endless wondering....

i can honestly say that I don't even know why I'm thinking about this at all. I mean it's all said and done right? So then why is this constantly on my mind?

I trust my friends, especially him. He's never given me a reason not to. I've known him since we were eight, that's over half my life! (that made me feel old) so why, when he tells me that his calling is religious life that I really REALLY wish he was just saying that for another reason unknown to my simple mind?

I cried when he told me. Why?? I mean I almost never cry, but I cried and hard!! Am I missing something here? Am I really simply that clueless???

And whenever I ask if he has told his family yet, he keeps telling me no, that he hasn't found the right time. I mean I don't really know what his family life is like, so who knows maybe there hasn't been a good time for him to talk about it, but still I think you would tell your family before you would tell a gal friend? Isn't that the way it normally goes?? I'm just really confused and somewhat.... nervous? Again not sure why??

I really think I'm missing part of the puzzle here, -sigh- The somewhat annoying part is the fact that I just can't get this out of my mind! Everyday I sit and wonder about this. I rarely talk to him lately, even when I saw him today he seems alittle distant. Agh...I need to find a way to take my mind off this!

My verdict on this matter: either I worry about stupid things WAY too much, or I really need another hobby...or a job, yea a job would be nice....

Well I shall go read my book, and try not to ponder these events.
Rose

Emotions....

I've been told that I don't display alot of emotions. I smile when appropriate and frown as needed. I rarely laugh and it's even rarer to see me cry. Since I was little I don't even think my mother has seen me cry...

When asked why I don't shown emotions, why I'm always so....what's the word? Stoic?  I honestly draw a blank. The only reason I can come up with is the fact I have a fear of pain...
Any pain, from a single pinch to emotional pain, I have never liked it. I literally fear pain above everything in this world. Everything I consider doing I was think first what pain it will cause me. I can never perform anything to my best abilities if I know that it can, in any way, hurt me.

Fear of pain is natural I suppose for anyone, but I think I have an unnatural fear of it. I wince at the very thought. I can take the sight of blood, it doesn't bother me. I can see a cut on myself I didn't know I had bleeding and I don't scream or cry out. I just deal with it. But when I think about the potential of being hurt by anything or anyone I'm therefore unable to commit to the action more or less. Why??? I'm not a 100% sure myself of the reason

Maybe because I fear abandonment, and emotional pain from being taken from my birth mother. I remember very little, if nothing at all from either of my birth parents. I don't have any clear memories, but a few foggy tidbits stay in the dark recess of my mind. I remember being told that when I was first placed in the foster home I didn't talk, smile, cry, or anything for days. I didn't sleep, just wandered aimlessly throughout the house. Nothing, nothing at all....I did smile finally one night, and the next day I was bright and cheerful. I remember being happy and overjoyed when adopted. I laughed alot and smiled alot, but why it changed I'm not sure.


I don't smile enough, I don't laugh often, and I rarely cry. Why can't I feel the emotions everyone else feels?? Why am I different then the rest of the world? What inside of me changed? What broke that I can't laugh with my friends as easily as others? That I can't cry when I feel sad?? Without feeling like I am a weak person?

When do I have this burning need to appear strong to the world?? That no one can see or hear me cry without appearing weak in their eyes? What bought this into my world?


I want to laugh...
I want to cry...
But mostly I want to live...
Live a life full of dreams and hopes and love...
I want to live....
Live without the fear of pain that holds me back...

But I honestly don't know how......