Emotions....

I've been told that I don't display alot of emotions. I smile when appropriate and frown as needed. I rarely laugh and it's even rarer to see me cry. Since I was little I don't even think my mother has seen me cry...

When asked why I don't shown emotions, why I'm always so....what's the word? Stoic?  I honestly draw a blank. The only reason I can come up with is the fact I have a fear of pain...
Any pain, from a single pinch to emotional pain, I have never liked it. I literally fear pain above everything in this world. Everything I consider doing I was think first what pain it will cause me. I can never perform anything to my best abilities if I know that it can, in any way, hurt me.

Fear of pain is natural I suppose for anyone, but I think I have an unnatural fear of it. I wince at the very thought. I can take the sight of blood, it doesn't bother me. I can see a cut on myself I didn't know I had bleeding and I don't scream or cry out. I just deal with it. But when I think about the potential of being hurt by anything or anyone I'm therefore unable to commit to the action more or less. Why??? I'm not a 100% sure myself of the reason

Maybe because I fear abandonment, and emotional pain from being taken from my birth mother. I remember very little, if nothing at all from either of my birth parents. I don't have any clear memories, but a few foggy tidbits stay in the dark recess of my mind. I remember being told that when I was first placed in the foster home I didn't talk, smile, cry, or anything for days. I didn't sleep, just wandered aimlessly throughout the house. Nothing, nothing at all....I did smile finally one night, and the next day I was bright and cheerful. I remember being happy and overjoyed when adopted. I laughed alot and smiled alot, but why it changed I'm not sure.


I don't smile enough, I don't laugh often, and I rarely cry. Why can't I feel the emotions everyone else feels?? Why am I different then the rest of the world? What inside of me changed? What broke that I can't laugh with my friends as easily as others? That I can't cry when I feel sad?? Without feeling like I am a weak person?

When do I have this burning need to appear strong to the world?? That no one can see or hear me cry without appearing weak in their eyes? What bought this into my world?


I want to laugh...
I want to cry...
But mostly I want to live...
Live a life full of dreams and hopes and love...
I want to live....
Live without the fear of pain that holds me back...

But I honestly don't know how......